The Best Way to Keep Your People Productive
Every now and then you need a good laugh. I’ve decided today is a day when you might need one too. With that, I’m reaching back into my old funny email vault and retrieving one of those messages we used to forward around before social media was a thing.
I have no idea who originally wrote it. If you do, please let me know in the comments, so I can give proper credit. The best respect I can pay them is to help preserve their clever writing.
This should increase worker productivity…. so management can give themselves a bigger bonus!
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FROM: MANAGEMENT MEMO
Dear Staff,
RAISES
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.
SURGERY
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Wasn’t life better before we became too politically correct?
